tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5511484039185097138.comments2008-09-08T17:41:22.063-07:00Graveside Talesnoreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5511484039185097138.post-41048950595455200522008-09-08T17:41:00.000-07:002008-09-08T17:41:00.000-07:00I'm going to try and comment chapter by chapter. I'm the product tester, the virginal reader. And these are my suggestions.<BR/><BR/>Chapter 1 - Overall, it's well written. Good diction, good prose. Cast your line sooner. Hook the reader from the get go. Introduce peyote visually with words, its effects on a user. Parallel this with the barrenness of Shinoe, New Mexico.<BR/><BR/>Sam’s a Native American wearing a Dallas Cowboys tee shirt. Other than that, what’s he look like? I feel like you could have been more descriptive.<BR/><BR/>The first chapter reads well but it takes on, in more ways than you might want, the characteristics of Evan. If that’s the point, I get it. Guy’s hung-over, feels like shit. The day’s slow, his head is pounding. It reads a little slow, however. Not sure you want that.<BR/><BR/>And a few things I noticed –<BR/><BR/>Sam closed the door behind him, locked it and then set the briefcase on the small table that sat by evan’s bed. He looked around the room distrustfully and suddenly seemed to be claustrophobic.<BR/><BR/>Capitalize “evan’s.”<BR/><BR/>“Nice meeting you,” Sam said, heading quickly for the door.<BR/><BR/>Need to hit Enter after previous line.<BR/><BR/>“Good guess,” Evan said, cringing at the heat from outside as Sam opened the door to leave.<BR/><BR/>Hit Enter after previous line.jeffreypillowhttp://jeffreypillow.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5511484039185097138.post-53251155633035278432008-08-01T04:42:00.000-07:002008-08-01T04:42:00.000-07:00Good start, Barry. And YAY, I'm the first to comment.<BR/><BR/>I can't believe he called the Indian (Native American), Tonto and Sitting Bull. OMG!Catherine J Gardnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05634397106201021055noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5511484039185097138.post-27671715660035623402008-07-22T11:26:00.000-07:002008-07-22T11:26:00.000-07:00WOOT! Look at that time ticking on down...Catherine J Gardnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05634397106201021055noreply@blogger.com